My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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