There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Randomize
