my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
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