Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
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