Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
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