If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Randomize
