someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Randomize
