When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
