Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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