Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
