You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
I touched a dick in church today
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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