I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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