hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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