I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
