I wish my penis had an off switch
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize