Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
he just fucked me for my cheese..
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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