I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Randomize
