My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Randomize
