Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
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