there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
