Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
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