Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
Randomize
