We drank from noon till 5 am, there was adderall and nice jews involved it was just crazy
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
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