remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
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