If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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