Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
