he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
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