I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
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