I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Randomize
