My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Randomize
