The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Randomize