he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
i can't believe i had my finger in that
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Randomize
