I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
