I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
There's a naked man in my car right now.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Randomize
