i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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