If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
