I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
