So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
