never play flip cup with pint glasses
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
