3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize
