Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
