You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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