You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
