I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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