my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
