she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
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