this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
Randomize
