I'm eating all of the evidence.
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
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