Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
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