hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
