exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Randomize
