I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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