Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Randomize