I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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