got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
smell my finger.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
