if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
Randomize
